Monster Karate and the Coming Apocalypse!

I just know that if I started a Monster Karate martial arts school I would get incredibly rich. I could teach all the secret martial arts techniques that the lmonsters use to rip the beating and dripping heart out of some fool who can’t run very fast. I could teach people the secret monster karate techniques that…maybe I should tell you where I am going with all this?

The True Power of Karate!

My wife just knew that I was totally destroying my sons’ fragile, eggshell mentalities. We would perch on the sofa for hours and eat popcorn and watch monster movies. And then I would show them the secrets of the martial arts.

What she didn’t know was that we were learning several things which were vital to learning the martial arts. Specifically, we were looking at the use of wires and make up. Analyze these two things and it will change the way you look at the martial arts, and it will even educate you as to the less than beneficial effects of Hollywood movie makers.

First, we would spend long hours dissecting the methods by which Hollywood creates its special effects. How did that vampire soar across the rooftops? The answer, we would find, would be wirework, or a blue screen, a trampoline, and invisible platforms pasted onto the background.

This led to attempts to do certain stunts, with me holding onto the back of the pants, assisting the flip, or otherwise seeing if something could be done. This led to the boys understanding the need for people who actually knew how to spot (grin) and proper instruction before trying to do those things they do on television and tell you not to do.

The second special effects factor was makeup, and while we didn’t start roaming the streets dressed in monster drag at midnight, we did get in an educational analysis of how make up could be used to enhance death. If you bent the head just right, put a metal plate against the neck, you could set off a small charge and make it look like a throat was being exploded. Cool!

And, the method for inserting knives, bullets, spears, or whatever the weapon of your choice into the body part of your choice was quite educational. This led to analysis of how the body might really react when various weapons hit it. Nice!

I know this is a strange bit of writing, and I know that people may not like the way I raised my children. But my kids are not taken in by Hollywood special effects, don’t get bothered by a little fake blood, appreciate good movie making, know that no actors were harmed during the making of this movie, and understand better how reality functions. So maybe you should think about learning a little Monster Karate, that way maybe you’ll stand a chance of surviving when zombies rule the streets.